I Heart Visiting Teaching
By Jana on Oct 20, 2006
Each time I get a new sister on my Visiting Teaching route, I cringe. I look at the name and piece together anything I know about the unfamiliar woman. I look at her address and calculate whether she lives in a wealthy neighborhood, in student housing, or in the new hi-rise apartments that were just built on the edge of the ward. I look up her name in the online directory to see if she has children or a spouse listed. Then, eventually, I pick up the phone and make the call for an appointment.
I can’t actually say that I’ve had any great experiences _being_ a visiting teacher. Perhaps I’m not very good at it. I get nervous around new people, I don’t have a very flexible schedule, I am much better at one-on-one discussions than in a crowd of three. I tend to be the quiet partner—I am usually paired with someone bubbly who will carry the conversation while I add brief thoughts in a lesson or say a prayer. Or, I’ve found when I do ‘click’ with someone that I visit teach, the assignment is cruelly short-lived.
However, I have had some amazing visiting teachers over the years. Like Caroline, who was assigned to be my VT’er four years ago. Our first meeting lasted three hours long. Soon we were collaborating on the SoCal issue of the ExponentII, we’ve sponsored a Mormon Feminist Roundtable, started the X2Blog, and put together a Sunstone Symposium panel. In my last ward, my visiting teacher and I coordinated a reading/writing group and loved to talk about gardening. She was my friend during the years that I was battling depression. I never talked to her about my despair (I was too low to even put words to the darkness in my head), but she and her partner, more than once, spontaneously showed up on my doorstep when I needed it most.
I know that Visiting Teaching is one of those church programs that’s often more of a burden than a joy. Because it’s difficult to forge a relationship with a stranger when you feel ‘guilted’ into fulfilling the requisite monthly visit. But I wonder if some of you can share your successful stories of Visiting & Home Teaching? Those moments when relationships have blossomed or you have had opportunities to render significant service to a sister or brother in need?
hmm VTing is a tough one, it can feel like ‘assigned friendship’. I prefer to think of it as a way to make sure everybody has someone looking out for them, even if they are not popular or fun or ? .
Some of my very best friends have been my companions or ladies I visited. One lady, 40 years my senior, was assigned to be my Vt, the comment being, ‘we think you two will get along great, she is a little different!’ Ha! and that was so right! we became fast friends , and she loved me and watched over me and helped me thru a ’surprise’ baby (10 years after the last one came along) - we did genealogy together, ate lunch together and fought over the tab. She was a great! person, and so much fun to be around. I was so fortunate to know her and be her friend. Would I have met her w/out the VTing program? probably not.
Comment # 1 by JVT | Oct 20, 2006 | Reply
My sister hadn’t had any VTs for months and months, and she was feeling in the need. So she knelt down and specifically prayed for her VTs to come. The next morning, while she was still in her pjs a knock came at her door. She opened it to find two nice looking women smiling at her. Ecstatic, she invited them in. They had a great discussoin and they left my sister feeling better than she had in a long time.
Yep, she was sure glad those two nice Jehovah’s WItness ladies stopped by just when she needed them most.
Comment # 2 by Stephen Carter | Oct 22, 2006 | Reply
I’m the visiting teaching superviser in my ward, it’s how I got started blogging. I’ve made my best friends visiting teaching, but I’m beginning to wonder if the program is not as obsolete as the homemaking nights. So many sisters work and it’s more of a burden than a blessing in their lives. I think maybe we should do something like take turns cooking dinner for each other once a month and call it good.
Stephen, good story. Did your sister convert?
Comment # 3 by annegb | Oct 22, 2006 | Reply
Jana,
I just got back into town from the SSSR conference and saw a link to this post. What fun to read that you feel as good about vting as I do! By far my best and most influential experience vting was getting assigned to you 4 years ago. That was huge for me, since I was new and you introduced me to such a great community of intellectual mormons. Seriously changed my life in a huge way. I’m not a spiritual person, but I can’t help but feel that something divine was going on when our RS president assigned me to you.
As for vting in general - I’m a fan of the program, though I’m not the best vt in the world. I struggle with the “teaching” aspect of it. I’m pretty happy to go and chat and develop a relationship, but I don’t like switching from social to didactic dialogue. It’s awkward for me, so I just never do it. As you know, I tend to just throw “The Bee” at you (our ward’s RS newsletter that contains the month’s vt message.) I told that to our RS president who was conducting interviews, and she didn’t seem to have a problem with it.
Comment # 4 by Caroline | Oct 22, 2006 | Reply
Annegb asked:
Stephen, good story. Did your sister convert
I answer:
Nope. But soon after she picked up an obsession with making rosaries.
Comment # 5 by Stephen Carter | Oct 23, 2006 | Reply
Anne,
What a great idea, the cooking thing. What if a VT visit involved cooking a meal together? As visiting teachers, we could come and help cook a meal. Conversation over food is always better, even if you’re just stirring stuff. There’s a level of acceptance there that transcends the sitting in the front room. Plus something tasty is accomplished. I am liking this idea.
Comment # 6 by Lisa Tensmeyer Hansen | Oct 27, 2006 | Reply
I just wanted to say that I think most women in the Church go through the same feelings about Visiting Teaching at one time or another.
What does frustrate me lightly is how many members see VT as a chore or as uneccessary. Serving the Lord and one another should never become a chore and if it does we may need to take a look at our priorities. In today’s social climate we need to unify more than ever, as sisters and as members of the church.
annegb’s comment (I don’t direct this to you personally as I think this has become a rather generalised feeling amongst sisters in my ward too) on VT maybe becoming obselete worry me.
It’s true that a lot of sisters work, but doesn’t that mean that they might need a little more uplifting after a busy week with their minds on worldy maters in their jobs?
VT is as Sister Parkin said “the heart of Relief Society”, the teaching part is so important (I visit a less-active sister and this message is the only spiritual food she gets some weeks) but can be difficult, I get the message online and study several talks about the subject matter on LDS.org and am therefore better prepared and not just reading a quote from the ensign which my siters have usually already read. Sometimes a prompting will come to give a sister a different messae so I go with it - I have been amazed at how the Lord has used me to help those sisters hear His message in answer to their prayers.
I love VT and my new companion,(I’ve recently moved to a new ward), she and I have built on common ground and am finding that when I serve VT becomes a blessing in my life.
Comment # 7 by Nadja Pollard | Dec 19, 2006 | Reply
Only a Visiting Teacher?
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We think that this calling is underrated; that we should be called to do much more! I mean, why should I be asked to just visit a sister’s home when my talents could be far better spent as in a higher calling? I can just see myself; the President of the Relief Society, awe yes, indeed. Ok, not really folks, I have a story that will show you why this is a great and wonderful calling in and of itself.
As a new member of the church, my world had come apart, crumbled bit-by-bit. My marriage, my life, and my religion was new as well.
The loss of a loved one is difficult, to describe the loss of a child is insurmountable. Now, I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are supposed to have a pretty good grasp of Eternity and the idea that families can be forever. However, please understand, that I was a very new convert, and my expectations were already on pretty shaky grounds. I had just realized that the priesthood power, as great as it is, was not as powerful as I had been led to believe. I heard many testimonies time and time again of miracles and heard powerful stories of how through priesthood blessings that when the life of a loved one hung between life and death, life won out. Well, for me, the answer was no. I just couldn’t buy that answer and could not buy into the entire premise either. I felt as if I had been mislead into believing a religion of lies! My son was gone, my faith shook, and my soul dead. My children well, I could not take care of me let alone them, I had gone into a talespin to beat all talespins, took my credit cards and maxed them out, quit going to church, stopped listening to the bishopric, home teachers, and anyone else who entered my home.
I would allow my visiting teachers to come, but would immediately discount anything they would do or say. I, in a word, was done. My husband had quit inviting me to church either. I could see the sadness in his eyes every time he would get dressed and go without me, but without regard, I would pull the covers over my head, turn the other way, an go back to sleep.
Sundays I would go shopping, especially because I knew it was the wrong thing to do, because breaking the sabbath hurt the Lord! Good, I thought, he hurt me!!
I blamed sisters in the ward, by saying the reason for my not attending was that they were snooty, or because they were all too easy to pass judgement on me and my children. It got easier and easier each week.
I did have to say, I did not revert back to drinking, or smoking, or drinking coffee or tea; funny huh? It was like a part of me wanted to remain in the gospel, to linger there and wait, wait for the rest of my soul to awaken again. Then one day, out of the blue, Sue, my visiting teacher, came for visit; it was not the usual Visiting Teaching visit either. She was also Ricky’s teacher at school, but that wasn’t the reason. My children loved her. Sue never patronized them, she has a way with them and well makes them all feel important and loved. She never discounted them for not being members of the church, those who weren’t and she never tried to drag them kicking and screaming into our religion. She just loved, unconditionaly.
Well, for some reason, she came over, I did need her that day. Barry had found out about the credit cards; this could have been the end of a beautiful marriage. I needed a friend, and my best friend was in California; a simple phone call was not going to suffice. I don’t mind saying this time, I was scared!
For most of my life prior to this one, lying was the only way to survive. I had learned that telling the truth often put me in more dangerous positions; my parents beat me, my teachers beraded me, and my ex-husband abused me in ways I still cannot say. So, why in the world would I tell this man the truth?
I had waited for all these months for that shoe to drop, and, I guess, because it wouldn’t on it’s own, I tossed it, hard! This was the only way I knew how to see if he truly loved me, for me.
Barry had went to the bank with the statements in hand, and had found out my lie. I waited knowing that when he came home this could possibly be the end. So many things popped into my mind that day, what really went through was that I deserved the worst beating ever! I didn’t get one. He came in, looked at me with eyes I will never forget and said he had to think, pray, and he’d return. I was never so scared in all my life!
Sue came in shortly after Barry had left, I fell to her waist ( which she is so small campared to me) and just sobbed. I spilled my heart and soul out to her. I told her I needed help! She held me like a mother would hold an ailing child, so tender and loving. I brushed the tears from my eyes and went after my husband.
Barry and I walked and talked, I told him how sorry I was for the deceit, how I have been in such a fog after Bob’s death and that spending money helped ease the pain. He gently grabbed my tear soaked face, looked deeply into my red eyes and said, “I’m sorry, I never saw any of it, I’m so sorry!” Like any of this was his fault. There was so much this man could have and should have done, and he he didn’t. What in this world did I do to deserve such a man?
The next day, after Barry had left to Colorado on his run, Sue popped back over to check on me. I was still emotionally worn out but knew everything would work out just fine. We talked for hours, about why I had really been feeling out of touch. I blamed God, church, my new religion, the well- meaning women in our ward who tried to help me cope with my son’s death, and yes, my son as well. I was just angry, it is a part of grief, a very intricate part which most of us deal with everyday. There are a few big stressers in life that are difficult, moving, ( did that twice in three months) loss of loved ones ( lost my grandmothers and son, in three months) and getting married. (did that too!) Let’s not also mention that I had made some rather big changes in my lifestlye to boot! The converstation between Sue and I morphed, it grew to me asking what was the underlined reason for why I stopped going to church? I soon realizd the real reason is that it became comfortable to just-stay-home. Isolation feels good after a while, we learn to love the idea of wollowing in our pain and sorrow, so much so that it becomes easy to drag others in and attatch blame with it. I realized the only reason for me becoming inactive was a terrible sin, slothfulness. I was lazy.
Sue asked me what she could do to help me get to church. Tears fell once again as the burning in my bossom returned; I wanted to come back. The only answer I had for her was: Can you give me a wake up call?? Bright and early that Sabbath morning I was up, showered, dressed and ready to face the morning! My hand waiting on the phone as it rang!
It was the best wake-up call ever…
Now, I ask you… only a visiting teacher?
As Visiting Teachers we do make a difference, we can change lives and help with life-altering decisions. Sue was my guide in the temple, I am forever in her debt. I love her for the spirit she has within and the guidance she recieves and heeds from Heavenly Father.
Being a visiting teacher is truly one of the greatest callings we have in this church.
Comment # 8 by Catherine Inscore | Jan 5, 2007 | Reply
I live in Southern California Now,
We are in a ward, in Twentynine Palms; the hi-desert. Right now, I’m in crisis, I came here just to work at the small community college that assisted in so much of my personal growth; I was fired without cause just before the holidays, just a week after my son that passed birthday, and I was sure my life was finally where I needed to be. I love my job, working and helping struggling students.
Now, I wait–I wait for my union to help me get my job back; the job market here is slim to none and nothing pays as well as it did at the college. My faith is shaken once again/ This time I felel as though my VT’s are so disconnected with who or what I am. I was just called to be VT supervisor and I was so saddened by what I hard when I called to check on my team. It’s hard enough that the miles between us are loing, but some, sisters I heard, active sisters too, do not think they NEED to be Taught? Can you understand that one? I( waited for almost a year before I had sisters to teach and sisters to visit me? This is not a one way street! We need our callings for blessings and we all learn from eachother. The teachers always learns more than the student~
So, my advice…Get out there and do it and by all means, open your doors to your visiting teacher!
We all need this; it was established so we may all gain, grow, and take care of eachother!
I say this, in the name of Jesuis Christ, our Savior,
Amen
Comment # 9 by Catherine Inscore | Jan 5, 2007 | Reply
I too have a testimony of VT but feel like you almost have to have a personal experience with a wonderful VT to gain that testimony of it and become inspired to be better teacher and friend to those on your list. Even at that, it is hard. I cannot and do not say that I am a great Visiting Teacher, only that I can see that it is an inspired program– and one that will never and should never become obsolete. When it comes down to it, Visiting Teaching is the core of Relief Society– and at the core (along with Home Teaching) of so much that we do in the church. I would venture to say that it is never going to go away– and that we should spend less energy rationalizing about it’s purpose and productivty and just go out and do it.
Here is my story.
I was a young married student, in a town with many less members than where I grew up. My husband and I were far away from our families and did not feel connected with most of the members in our ward. Still in the first couple years of marriage, my husband and I were going through some difficult times. My life seemed to be crashing down around me as I was forced to deal with specific marital trials and circumstances beyond my control. Away from my family, emotionally and spiritually distanced from my husband and with no new friends since our relocation, I felt very alone.
I had always been very active in the church. I was raised in a wonderful family, in a wonderful ward, etc., etc. I was dealing with problems that I have never imagined would be mine.
My husband was working a midnight shift and was scheduled to get off work at about 8:00 in the morning, He worked several miles from our home. Since we only had one car, and lived in a rural area with no public transportation, he would have to take our car to work. That left me to ride my bike a few miles to work at 7:00 each monring.
One morning was especially difficult. The day before I found out that my grandfather passed away. I had been close to him, especially since my father died when I was fifteen. His death was somewhat unexpected and left me feeling even more alone and a million miles away from my family. I did not know if I was going to be able to travel back home to attend the services but knew that I had to get through at least one more day of work. I got up and got ready to go, trying to maintain some composure as I realized that it was pouring rain. I opened my front door and headed for my bike, when I saw my visiting teacher sitting in her car in front of my house at 7:00 in the morning.
She had no idea how I was feeling, nor did she know of my grandfather’s passing. She only knew that I normally rode my bike to work and that it was raining, and thought to offer me a ride. The offer was not normal. There had been plenty of other rainy and snowy days when she had not been there. I know without doubt, that she was there that day because I neded her and because she was
not afraid to act upon her impressions.
I have never forgotten this incident. Just knowing that someone cared that day made such a difference. I needed more than anything to feel loved– and was comforted that the Lord was aware of me, loved me, and would extend his love through the physical embrace of this sister when he knew I needed it the most.
When Visiting Teachers are prayerfully fulfilling their roles, they will be used in ways they never imagined. It has been said that often prayers are answered through other people– I believe that Visiting and Home Teaching is a direct way that the Lord answers prayers and meets needs.
Comment # 10 by Anonymous | Jun 17, 2007 | Reply
When I was in a singles ward RS Presidency 15+ years ago, we would regularly get member records for people whom the Bishops and quorum presidencies either couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with. They were often single parents, inactive for many years, people whose addresses were no longer valid, etc. The RS and EQ presidencies and Bishopric usually spent two to three hours a week trying to contact these folks when the ward was first formed. By the time of this incident, we had been a ward for about a year and were pretty cavalier about the whole thing, having been met by most of these lost sheep with indifference if not outright hostility - that is, when we could even find them. We got the records for such a young woman in April or May, around finals, I remember, but it was late June or so by the time we in the RS finally got around to taking a look at her information and assigning her a visiting teacher. The woman was in her early 20’s, had apparently been baptized as a teenager and had never been active; none of the locals knew her or recognized her name, and the Bishop of the ward which she had been baptized into didn’t know anything about her. Around August, the visiting teacher finally got out to visit her. She introduced herself to the woman’s mother at her home and was met with an angry, “Where have you people been?” The woman had been killed in a car accident six months before.
When that visiting teacher told us about this, we all felt sick. This woman hadn’t been active at all, no one knew anything about her, but she had been baptized and was a member of the Church. For six or seven years, no one in her family ward had even checked on her. Then when we in the singles ward got her records, we took our sweet time getting around to finding out anything about her. She was already dead by the time we got her information, but we could have been there to help and comfort her family within a short time after her death. Instead, the slothfulness of the various members who should have been watching over her made her family hostile to the Church and painted us all a bright shade of “jerk.” At the moment I heard what had happened, I vowed that that would never, ever happen to me again. And it hasn’t. I have made sure to make some kind of contact with my visiting teaching ladies every month, even if it’s just a quick phone call or leaving a note and then checking back to be sure it’s been read.
Visiting teaching and home teaching can be exhausting, especially when you have sisters or families who are are needy and demanding. I’m not a perfect visiting teacher - I rarely discuss the “lesson”, though I usually bring a copy and leave it - but I have a pretty good idea what’s going on in the lives of the sisters I’ve been assigned to visit, and they know they can call me any time (believe me, they do). I don’t want to have to face the Lord and explain how I let someone I was responsible for fall through the cracks. I admit, I have had some hard cases that I really didn’t like visiting, and I do get anxious about visiting new people, particularly those who are unknowns. But I like the idea that we in the Church are to bear one another’s burdens and rejoice and mourn with each other and all that, and I try to approach visiting teaching in that light. That’s a little off the topic of blessings resulting from visiting teaching, and I could give examples of those, too, but whenever I feel annoyed at having to drive Sister X to the doctor AGAIN or bring yet another dinner to Sister Y, I think about that sister who died without anyone in her Church family even knowing, and it gives me the push that I need to stop murmuring and exercise the charity that’s buried somewhere in my selfish heart.
Comment # 11 by Villate | Jun 18, 2007 | Reply
Villate,
thanks for sharing that story. I’m using today in my EQ lesson…and hopefully using it in my life as well.
–Rick
Comment # 12 by Rick Jepson | Jul 1, 2007 | Reply
You’re welcome - I only wish it hadn’t happened! I hope it inspired someone. I used to think about that woman every day, but now it’s more like every week. I hope she and her family have forgiven the Church and its people for neglecting her.
Comment # 13 by Villate | Jul 2, 2007 | Reply
that’s too funny
Comment # 14 by Karen | Jun 10, 2008 | Reply