I am a Child of God…
By John Remy on Sep 17, 2006
A friend of mine asked me if I could post the following question on my personal blog, but I decided that the question was interesting enough to pose to the SunstoneBlog community:
For men: How has the example of a Father of Heaven helped and guided you in (or to prepare for) your earthly role as a father on earth?
Here’s a corollary question:
For women: How has the knowledge of a Mother of Heaven helped and guided you in (or to prepare for) your earthly role as a mother on earth?
Please keep your responses focused on answering the questions. I know it is tempting to comment further on the topic or to point out problems raised in asking these questions. Please return with those comments in a day or three, when I will publish a follow up post to discuss these concerns.
My answer to the first question is a complex one. It’s hard for me to separate the influence of my earthly father, the examples of the LDS fathers who surrounded me, and my relationship with my Father in Heaven. My Dad was fiercely devoted to our family, and was duty personified. After he was honorably discharged from the U.S. Navy, he worked nights as a security guard and took vocational courses at the local community college until he could get a secure union job. He was rarely around, but when he was, he seemed to communicate as much through his hand, the belt, and bookcases pulled down as through rare compliments, god-awful puns, and long drives together to favorite fishing holes.
When I became a father, I chose in many ways not to be the man my Dad was. I vowed never to lay a hand on my children (a commitment I have kept). I wanted to be nurturing, available, involved in their lives. I think that during the first year or two after my son was born, I looked to my Heavenly Father to provide the good example that I had lacked growing up. For various reasons, however, my Father in Heaven began to look more and more like my earthly father–arbitrarily demanding, exceedingly harsh and critical, and more and more distant.
During this time, my parenting (or lack thereof) was influenced mostly by the fathers I admired in Church. I dedicated myself to my callings. I worked hard at my jobs during the week to provide for my family, sometimes spending the night in the office. I invested hours each week into acquiring new technical skills, and quickly brought the family out of poverty and within striking distance of the Great American Dream. In a few years, however, I realized that my marriage was in jeopardy, and that I had become every bit as distant and unavailable as my Dad and my Heavenly Father seemed to be.
Since that wake-up call, I’ve changed drastically. I quit the corporate world and moved to a much more family-friendly work environment. I volunteer in my kids’ classes, get on them to do their chores, play games with them, hug them and express my love for them before they leave for school, and chat and email them when I’m not physically with them. I am always on guard against my tendencies towards criticism and self-immersion. Ironically, as I have become closer to my children, my Heavenly Father is as distant from me as he has ever been. He is not around to provide a positive example. My only explanation for my change is that I think that I have committed once again not to follow my Father’s example.
My initial reply to this question is to say that there is nothing about the knowledge of a Heavenly Mother that has helped me in my role as a mother. This is simply because I have no real relationship with my Heavenly Mother, and there is nothing tangible for me to use as a model for such. For whatever reason, I have never imagined my Heavenly Mother to be like my earthly mother. This has nothing to do with the quality of my mother’s parenting, and perhaps everything to do with the fact that Mormonism is so quiet about Heavenly Mother.
My somewhat tangential reply to this question: Much of how I parent is based on my near-worship of my children. They are the closest thing to deity that I experience on a daily basis. I try to honor them in every interaction. I feel flawed when I measure myself against them. I am constantly trying to be the kind of mother that they deserve.
Just today when we were sitting in church together I looked over at my children sitting next to me and was in complete awe of their beauty. I can watch them for hours with rapt attention. I love listening to their ideas and seeing their various facial expressions. Of course they do things that are maddening, or their incessant demands can be frustrating, but even in those times it’s as if I can telescope back from the moment and still be awed by them–these amazing two people that are mine and yet are so much more perfect than I will ever be.
Comment # 1 by jana | Sep 17, 2006 | Reply
Responding to the female component:
Since we have been given very little info on our Mother in Heaven, I have only to assume her role to be corallary to that of our Father in Heaven. We have been told that we were created in His image i.e. has human appearance, so as a female, I have always assumed I was created in the form of my Mother in Heaven. Also the whole relationship thing that a Father & Mother in Heaven share has always intrigued me as well as Their response to us as Parents. I know the heartache & frustrationI have felt when I have watched my own son make mistakes, in turn I have felt the overwhelming love I have for him inspite of his use of agency. So….I just magnify my feelings by a zillioneth…& that is what my Father & Mother in Heaven must feel when I make good choices &/or mistakes. I’m sure at times she is just as frustrated and distressed with us as earthly mothers are with their children & she is thrilled & overjoyed when we excel at whatever we are doing. I don’t have any issue with the lack of information about my Mother in Heaven, but have easily accepted the teaching that her role & being has been withheld based on her sacredness. I take from that belief, the importance of a companion protecting & having respect for his mate.
Comment # 2 by spitfire | Sep 17, 2006 | Reply
I think the concept of Heavenly Mother I had as a young married woman influenced the number of children I quickly and prolifically bore. I thought of Her as an all-patient nurturer spewing out gadzillions of spirit beings and I hastened to follow suit. I never once considered, however, that I might be able to access Her wisdom to help me with the task I would be faced with in the coming years. Now that I have found myself becoming more of a feminist, I have made more of an attempt to have some sort of communion with Her, all the while striving to be obedient to the counsel not to pray to the Mother. This makes for a very confused sort of relationship. Since I have no idea which ideas in my head are just my own fancies and wishes of what She might be like, I can’t say that I have used this knowledge in any practical way in my role as mother.
I am looking forward to your follow-up post to address these concerns.
Comment # 3 by Bored in Vernal | Sep 17, 2006 | Reply
I’m the oldest of nine. My parents really did well being parents, especially under their circumstances. My dad, working in the software industry, spent a lot of time away from home. But he’s a good guy, and recently, working on a project together, I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him as a friend rather than as a parent.
I never thought about God much as a parent role model. The world of church was like a huge gothic cathedral to me: so full of nooks and crannies and saints and sinners and infinite twists and loops of doctrine, sin and salvation that I never really thought about God coming home and playing with the kids. The images I had of the premortal existance was like a bunch of people walking around on a huge golf course, so many people that a parent really couldn’t get around to all of them.
No, God never really came up as a parent role model for me. If I did start thinking about it seriously, I’d probably get pretty weirded out. That Old Testament god was pretty tempermental. And then he goes off and sacrifices his son? Hmmm. And then he leaves the human race alone (according to apostacy stories) for 1800 years to dig itself into theological holes. Well, I don’t know what Dr. Spock would think. Dr. Phil, maybe.
I do remember the first time I felt like I could LIKE God (up until then I feared him probably in the same way a child fears a drunken father: desperately wanting his approval, but scared to death that when he actually arrives he’ll just start beating you no matter what you’ve done). It was just after I had been reading Carl Roger’s ideas about education: that teachers could be more effective as facilitators of knowledge, rather than direct instructors and controllers of grades.
I was standing in the kitchen when it occured to me that I might get to like God if he were a facilitator rather than a judge.
Comment # 4 by Stephen Carter | Sep 17, 2006 | Reply
Like many people today, I have spent a great deal of time analyzing and critiquing my parents. Something that, frankly, I try very hard to avoid at this point in my life. My parents are both imigrants from Europe. Over the years I have been able to learn more about their upbringing. When I considered what I have learned about their formidable years, I am amazed at what a great job they have done as parents. They were far from perfect, but incredible none the less.
Regarding Father in Heaven. I have very seldom looked to him as a parent role model. He always seemed like a harsh, brooding father. Over the years, however, I have learned a lot about him through my own parenting experiences, and so my opinion of him is evolving. I no longer see him as a tempermental, vengeful parent. I have serious issues with the scriptures that depict him as such. To me, he is a loving, caring father. One who is, prudently, trying very hard to help us wade through our lives. I know how I feel about my own children, how I worry and want the abosolute best for them. I believe my feelings about my own children can’t be that much different from those God has for us.
I guess I am starting to see him as a “facilitator” and a reluctant judge. I try to use that approach with my own children. I often make mistakes, but overall, I feel I am doing better.
Comment # 5 by Craig W. | Sep 18, 2006 | Reply
John, Thanks for posting these questions. I guess I’d love for people to think about the huge disparity between information regarding a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother. Despite the fact that many of us have grown up with a concept of a Heavenly Father that is mostly vengeful, at least we have some concept, some knowledge of a God. Even if some of us think of it as negative, you can’t deny that the image held is of a POWERFUL God, a POWERFUL Father in Heaven, a POWERFUL male deity. By having an image of a powerful male deity, men are able to feel more powerful themselves. I can’t remember what feminist theologian said this, but I think it is true: “God is male, therefore, male is God.”
By contrast, most of us have a complete void when it comes to any concept of a Mother in Heaven or any female deity. Due to this, I think there is a corresponding disparity within our collective human psyche. We have no concept of a powerful, female deity and thus, we, as women, whether consciously or unconsiously, don’t feel powerful. And men, again, whether consciously or unconsiously, don’t view women as powerful. How might this change if both men and women had a strong, full concept of a powerful female deity? I believe there would be a collective shift in our unconscious and conscious souls that would lead to a more peaceful, thoughtful, equitable human race.
My concept of a Heavenly Father has been of a man that is mostly loving, but someone who would be quick to condemn me and withdraw his love due to my faults and shortcomings. I have tried to use the idea of a loving Father in Heaven to guide me in my interactions with my children, but I no longer believe His love is conditional as it could never be conditional with my children.
My concept of a Mother in Heaven was non-existent until college. To be honest, the thought never crossed my mind until a woman I had become acquainted with, mentioned our Heavenly Mother. The very mention of it threw me for a loop–the concept was so foreign that I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone. Isn’t it sad that, as a woman, the idea of a female God had never once crossed my mind? So, the concept of a Mother in Heaven hasn’t been able to at all guide my life as a mother because we are given no information about her.
By the way, I do not easily accept the teaching that Mother in Heaven is so sacred we can’t talk about her. In fact, I reject that teaching. Think about this earthly life. We’re taught to be the primary nurturers of our children. Our husbands don’t lock us in the attic because we are too sacred to interact with our children, even though our children are bound to talk back and get feisty with us at times. Would you ever allow your husband to cut you off from your children to protect you? No child is better off without the knowledge of and involvement of their mother (unless she is an abusive crack-head, which I’m assuming our Divine Mother is not)–I think this applies to the Heavenly realm as well. I deserve to have both my Eternal Mother and my Eternal Father in my life.
I also have to mention that in regards to not praying to Heavenly Mother, the reason sited was that there is no scriptural record of Christ ever praying to a Mother in Heaven. Well, actually, in the Gnostic gospels there is record of this practice. But, regardless of this fact, we have changed a lot of teachings and doctrines in our Church, despite scriptural references to support the contrary (i.e. polygamy, black men receiving the priesthood). If we can overlook scriptural references to change doctrine and policy, I think there is room to institute and support new practices despite the lack of any scriptural references.
Comment # 6 by Kristy | Sep 19, 2006 | Reply
I think these questions pose 2 problems.
Number 1 - What example are you referring to? Heavenly Father has not set an example. We know very little about him and he is not an active part of our lives as far as Fatherhood.
Number 2 - The second question should be: How has the knowledge of Heavenly MOTHERS (plural) helped and guided you. This is just as silly a question as the first one. This knowledge has no impact. These women either choose to not be an active part of our lives, or submit fully to our absentee Fathers’ brand of parenting.
Comment # 7 by Simeon's Peep Stone | Sep 19, 2006 | Reply
How can I say I have a “knowledge” of a mother in heaven? I can’t. I too was raised to believe that God, in his infinite wisdom, withholds all knowledge and reference to our Heavenly Mother in an effort to protect her from us abusing her sacredness or saying her name in vain. How sweet.
I’m actually leaning toward an idea that seems more realistic to me: The God Christians worship ~ or even the gods other faiths worship, were created by men in ancient and not-so-ancient times, as powerful, omnipotent presences that reinforced what those men were trying to make others believe and do “in the name of religion.” I think they created their deity as well as their beliefs/religions themselves in order to gain status, prominence, or whatever their agenda was, and that is why you rarely see women in the forefront of any religion or society. Men have enjoyed the ability to keep women less superior than themselves throughout history, and religion is a perfect way to reinforce this, openly or subversively.
Frankly, it irritates me highly.
I haven’t even had any help from my Father in Heaven, either, in preparation to become an earthly mother. Oh wait, yes I have…I forgot! I’ve been taught I can be a better mother by listening to and following the prophets and obeying their every whim. I can stay home and not work, have as many kids as I can, read and follow the scriptures, I can be sweet and perfect and loving and perfect and kind and perfect and righteous and perfect and patient and perfect and giving and perfect and subservient and perfect and faithful and perfect…and did I mention I could be perfect?
It’s so easy!
Comment # 8 by Sister Mary Lisa | Sep 19, 2006 | Reply
Sister Mary Lisa, That was beautiful, so beautiful.
Comment # 9 by Simeon's Peep Stone | Sep 20, 2006 | Reply
Sister Mary Lisa, That was reactionary, so reactionary.
Comment # 10 by yawn | Sep 20, 2006 | Reply
Sister Mary Lisa, I loved your comments. Reactionary, yes, but what’s wrong with being reactionary? The problem is that most Mormon women refuse to react and get angry and pissy because we have been taught to, as you say, be “perfect”! Good for you and ironic that you are being somewhat chastised for not being patient, kind, loving and “perfect”. Keep telling it like it is.
Comment # 11 by Kristy | Sep 21, 2006 | Reply
News Flash — The “you go girl” ship sailed a long time ago. Let’s not betray our cause by blaming the church for asking us to be perfect when we all know it was Jesus.
Comment # 12 by yawn | Sep 21, 2006 | Reply
Simeon, Thank you. Your comment was very well spoken as well.
yawn, That was sarcastic, so sarcastic. I’m guessing you must be a MALE Mormon.
Kristy, Thanks for your comments and your defense of me. Not that I think it’ll do any good, but thanks nonetheless.
Comment # 13 by Sister Mary Lisa | Sep 29, 2006 | Reply
Just wanted to say that when I first heard of having a Heavenly Mother it scared me. It kind of made say “BS”, but I guess I just accepted it somewhat. Or just let it go as something that some believe and some not. Hmm, I know I have a Father in Heaven..I have a great feeling inside that Eve was our first mother and that our second mother is Mary. Mary because Christ said, brother behold your mother..something like that when Christ was on the Cross. We should, I feel, have a much deeper respect for Mary, because she was true to the Faith that Jesus and Heavenly Father taught her. She was pure and a great example for all mothers in regards to sacrifice..I look to many of the Biblical and Book of Mormon Prophets on how to be a good father. I am sure that God knew that the traits of being a good father would be passed to us through them…PS.1Love
Comment # 14 by Monte | Apr 4, 2008 | Reply