Messy isn’t Adequate
I come from a very stoic family. When bad things happen in life, when plans go awry or setbacks happen, we tend to approach the problem with a combination of a stiff upper lip and a shrug. Life is sometimes messy.
It’s an approach that has worked for my family – and for me personally – very well. Taking the long view allows you to weather the immediate storm, be it financial or physical or something else entirely.
But sometimes messy just isn’t an adequate description. Sometimes words are inadequate.
I live on a quiet, fairly secluded street. Our house is near the back of a community with no through-access. It’s a friendly street, one with good neighbors and a sense of community.
Early this morning a helicopter landed in the cul-de-sac next door. Emergency vehicles swarmed. News vehicles followed. Details are sketchy right now, but it appears to have been a murder-suicide attempt.
The murder was successful. The suicide was not.
Now, a 42-year-old mother is gone. Her youngest is only 8 years old. Messy? No, for him a description of messy is found sorely wanting. It is trite and minimizing.
My heart goes out to the family. My initial reaction, however, was once again stoic. But it’s a stoicisim that breaks down fairly quickly when children ask questions.
- Why did that happen, Dad?
- Who would do that?
- What happens to the kids, Mom?
- Why would the ambulance try to save him?
It’s fairly easy to answer those questions factually and rationally, but sometimes those questions are much closer, much more raw. They reveal a shaken innocence and expose a natural desire for vengeance.
No. Messy just isn’t adequate.
August 30th, 2006 at 5:38 pm
Isn’t it just a natural human reaction to assign blame, and to ask why these things happen?
As I go deeper into my “golden years” I have come to believe that there is probably *no* explanation why so many bad things happen in this world, and assigning blame doesn’t do a whole lot of good either. Good people get sick, die in accidents, drop dead of heart attacks, and suffer for no apparent reason all of the time. Somehow, I doubt that all of this suffering is part of any great “plan”, or that “God wants it that way.” It’s just the nature of life. And, it *is* frequently more than “messy.”
August 30th, 2006 at 11:57 pm
Wow. I can’t imagine the set of circumstances that would lead to such a conclusion.
I’m curious Rory, what did you say to your kids? How old are they?
As Preston said, people get sick, die in accidents, drop dead of heart attacks, etc. Things like that “happen” with no provocation. They come at us from somewhere “outside”. A sudden earthquake, a shark attack, a drive-by shooting…
But does a murder/suicide just happen? It feels different because it originated “inside” the family unit, and therefore feels more tragic. You wonder if it was avoidable… What if I had just done this? I’m not saying Rory feels this way, but the survivors, the family members probably do. Maybe there’s more of a “lesson” to be learned from an “avoidable”(?) tragedy than from being struck dead by lightning. I don’t know.
Not that it matters, but were they LDS?
August 31st, 2006 at 7:34 am
Rory,
Funny I found you on here… Small world, eh? I think the stoic reaction to crises is rare to find these days. Many feel to “curse God”, blame themselves or others, and pose endless, unanswerable questions. I think it’s healthy to “take the long view”; having an eternal perspective (read: really long view) often puts us in our place. Easier said than done, though…
August 31st, 2006 at 7:46 am
Preston - I’m right there with you in thinking that suffering, disaster, and disease are simply part of the nature of life. I’ve never been one to question why God allows things to happen, or if it was “part of a plan” or his will.
But, on the flip side, I also have a problem assigning credit for the good things, too.
I may be called prideful or ungrateful, but my personal belief is that God does not have his fingers in the details. If we do not blame him for causing disasters or death or misfortune, is it consistent to then credit him for recovery, wealth, or winning the lottery?
Do miracles happen? I don’t know. I’m skeptical.
Matt - When I wrote this post those questions from my kids were just the initial ones. We took a long time last night to talk about all of their questions, including what happens now to the kids, what happens to the killer (he was a boyfriend, not the father), where the mom is now, and where the killer will go in the afterlife. It turned into quite a discussion, and it was nice to see my older kids begin to wrestle with some of these beliefs.
Again, this isn’t a post about “why bad things happen”. It’s much more about an impassive approach to the bad things in life, and how that tends to break down in the most dramatic and personal of circumstances.
August 31st, 2006 at 7:48 am
Connor - Hey! Yes, easier said than done. (For those wondering about the small world comment, Connor and I work together.)